Why I Absolutely Hate Halloween!

Why do I hate Halloween as a holiday? Let me count the ways!! I took myself on a deep psychological journey to explore all of the negative vibes I have about Halloween and ended up with some interesting insights into my psyche. Want to hear more? Read on!

My cheerleader Halloween costume - circa 1977

I absolutely hate Halloween. It’s the most banal, ridiculous, and unhealthy of all the holidays and I dread it each year. So, what’s with all the negativity about a holiday that focuses on little children walking around to ask for free candy from strangers (which, I might note, is something that every child growing up in America has been cautioned to NOT EVER DO). And speaking of candy, which specific candy is the worst and best of the bunch?

First, let’s tackle the holiday itself. As a kid, I never looked forward to Halloween. Sure, the free candy was kind of cool, but half of the candy I did receive when I went trick or treating was throwaway candy (think Dum Dums suckers and Tootsie Rolls) and deciding on a costume to wear each year was stressful since I always felt stupid in whatever costume I chose (or that was chosen for me).

When I got older (i.e., high school), it became a bit more fun as we ditched trick or treating for Halloween parties with friends but even then, my heart wasn’t in it and I usually passed the holiday just waiting for it to be over. Now, I’m definitely too old for the holiday, and refuse to dress up in some silly costume that would ultimately show up on someone’s Instragram, Tic Toc, or Facebook page with the intent to embarrass or horrify!

Instead, Laurie and I wait until the last minute to buy a bunch of candy to give away to mostly kids we don’t know, many of which are teenagers who are entirely too old to be trick or treating and who are usually ungrateful and even rude when receiving their bought-and-paid-for candy (Yes, I know I sound like an old curmudgeon!).

Still, a couple of Halloweens stand out as better than most. One of the best was our first year down here in Florida when we were living in an apartment waiting for our house to be built. That Halloween night, our doorbell never rang – not a single trick-or-treater! It was awesome, although bad for our diets as we had bags of our favorite candy left over to snack on through the coming holidays!

One of the few other Halloweens I actually enjoyed was when I found myself in New Orleans on a business trip on Halloween. As you might imagine, New Oleander’s know how to do Halloween right! The streets of the French Quarter were filled with thousands of stumbling drunk revelers in garish costumes, and some only partially clothed as is the norm in the Quarter! It was a huge street party – a mild form of Mardi Gras – and a blast to just sit and watch from my hotel balcony looking down on the spectacle on Bourbon Street with a glass of wine in hand!

Which leads me to the reason for this particular holiday season – CANDY. As this is a food, wine, and spirits blog (and by spirits, I mean strong distilled liquors, not the supernatural kind!), I feel compelled to address the issue of candy and if you have to celebrate a holiday about candy, which options are the best and worst of the bunch. So, I present to you the five worst and five best candies of all time to consider before you go to Costco to buy your stock for this year’s trick-or-treat event!

Top Five Worst Candies

• Good and Plenty. This is the type of candy that an evil scientist would create in his underground lair to torture humanity. It’s basically black licorice (yuk!) covered with a white or pink crunchy candy coating (double yuk!). I’d rather just take some Pepto Bismol pills and be done with it, since they look the same, but the Pepto pills taste better.

• Mounds. “Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t; Almond Joy’s got nuts, Mounds don’t” goes the famous jingle for these two absolutely disgusting concoctions. Nuts or not, any candy that’s chocked full of sticky, sickly sweet coconut should go straight into the trash. This is one of the most gag-inducing candies on the market and should be banned outright!

• Tootsie Rolls. Probably the best of the worst, but still bad, these plastic-tasting rolls of “chocolate flavored sugar confection” have an odd texture and flavor that is just off-putting. I suspect they would last for decades left unwrapped, so a great option for emergency kits for end-of-days scenarios or something like that, …

• Hot Tamales. Similar to Good and Plenty in concept, these pill-shaped candies are chewy with a spicy, cinnamon-like flavor. I have to confess that I kind of liked these as a kid, but over time, came to abhor them. And they turn your tongue red which is another mark against them!

• Dots. These gum drops, made by the fine folks that gave you Tootsie Rolls, are stick-to-your-teeth candies made in different fruit flavors. Pretty much pure corn starch, they are unremarkable and uninteresting candy with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Flossing required after tasting these as they end up stuck between most if not all of your teeth.

Top Five Best Candies

• Milk Duds. I’ve always loved these little nuggets of caramel covered with chocolate! Yes, they aren’t soft and silky candy, but the chewy texture is what makes them so great (and last longer as well)! One of my “go-to” candies if I’m inclined to have some at a movie theater!

• Milky Way. Milk chocolate, caramel, and nougat – are you starting to sense a bit of a trend here?? This is basically a Snickers bar without the peanuts and it’s great at room temperature or frozen and then cut into bite-sized pieces. I could easily eat a whole bowl of these in Halloween-sized form!

• Twix. The closest you can get to a great cookie-based candy bar. It consists of two shortbread cookies topped with caramel and chocolate. Sometimes they go rogue and create specialty versions which are simply abominations of the original classic (Twix Mint was especially egregious).

• Snickers. What’s not to love about chocolate, caramel, nougat, AND peanuts? In addition to being one of my favorite (and Laurie’s as well!) candies, this is our “go to” add-in for DQ Blizzards and Culver’s Concretes!

• M&Ms. And finally, the King of Candy – the humble M&M. These are the most addictive candies on the market, and the absolute best as well! Candy-coated chocolates made in a wide variety of flavors, they are all great, but none come close to beating either the Peanut M&Ms or the classic Plain M&Ms.

So now that you know how I feel about Halloween, I’m ready to get it from all of you Halloween lovers with both barrels – bring it on! Why do you love Halloween so much, and what are your favorite candies?! And for your viewing pleasure, my follow up Halloween costume to my cheerleader costume from the year before – enjoy!

Fruit of the Loom costume circa 1978 – and my last Halloween costume!